Unsupportive Family/Friends

[dlskidmore]

How do you deal with the folks that you used to be close with, but think your choice to get into farming, or start farming the old fashioned way is daft and beneath their social group’s station?

I’m getting to the point where I can’t talk to a certian family member about anything I’m doing or planning without raising her ire and scorn. Sure, lots of people think I’m a bit odd, but most of them can accept that I’m just making different choices than they would, and that it’s ok. But some people just can’t grasp the concept that an intellegent person would make choices outside the socially accepted norms.

[Donn Hewes]

I can only speak for myself. I am friendly and don’t worry about what others think of what I am doing. I don’t even try and explain it to people that aren’t interested. It is not worth the headache to me to try and explain it to someone that really isn’t ready. I have friends that think I am crazy, they just have to decide if they want a crazy person for a friend. Unfortunately there may be a time or person where it is hard to remain close if they think you are crazy, but they will have to work through that.

[Andy Carson]

I have gotten less flack about this whole farming thing than I expected… It’s even kinda “trendy” in certain circles and sometimes I feel very undeservingly popular. Even outside those circles, pointing out a few examples of people who are successful makes a strong argument. Ultimately, you aren’t going to be able to change everyone’s mind, but differences of opinion make the world more interesting anyway… A little success changes a lot of minds.

[dominiquer60]

You have to do what feels right to you, if others truly love you they will get over it in time.

[mitchmaine]

sorry to hear about that. sometimes, i think its just about not having a shared language. when i first had kids, most of my good friends were still into having good times. and they expected us to keep up. couldn’t understand a word you were saying about having kids, cause they had nothing to relate to.
same with keeping and working horses. when you get around to talking about it with friends who ask, the stuff you are saying means nothing because there is no background or shared experience to talk about, and it goes pretty flat pretty quick. so its easy for someone to write you off as a nut, cause you do it differently and they don’t get it.
if you do what you really love to do, as well as you can, nobody can fault you for that. carry on. mitch

[Joshua Kingsley]

That is one thing that is always going to happen. My uncle is often known as the eccentric one and he got me really bit by the bug when I was 14. now 15 years later I am still messing with horses. Some times big ones and it was heavy ponies for a while. Right now it is Percherons and some haflingers. You just have to know that some times it is not what they think at this moment but how things have been in the past that will aid in your relationships.
My family is supportive of my draft habit more now than they had been in the past, though it has taken several years and a new life partner who is interested in this craft to make things easier.
Joshua

[Lane Linnenkohl]

What is her investment in this that she has to react this way?

From the other side, be careful that you aren’t judgmental in your tone when you talk about what you are doing. I made that mistake early on. When I’d talk about what we were doing on the farm, my tone was such that I seemed to be saying if you’re not living this way, you’re a bad person. Really caused some resentment with my sister and brother in law for a while. Until one day we all talked it over and gained a better understanding.

[dlskidmore]

@Lane Linnenkohl 28586 wrote:

What is her investment in this that she has to react this way?

Only pride.

Well, I suppose she did co-sign a small loan for hubby once, so if hubby quit his job and we were flops at farming she would be affected, but we’re not really planning on the farm making us any money at first. I’m keeping my day job for a while, and hubby will never give up his desk job for manual labor.

[Carl Russell]

The way I see it, it comes down to how you feel about your own choices. If you are comfortable with your choices then you don’t need to get defensive about how others react. When I first started (1986) there were old timers around who had given up horses years ago. They actually took offense at my choice to pick up something they thought was trash. In the long run, I was so sure of my reasoning that I just kept plodding along and didn’t take it personally. Eventually they saw that I was committed, and as I gained capability they learned to accept my choices.

There is always a stunning impact when you find someone, whom you consider to be close, reacting negatively to your own personal choices. We tend to take some personal interactions for granted, and like Mitch says we don’t really think about how our “Language” my be different, even between people who grew up with us.

If you know you are right, and arguing the fine points creates tension, then let it go. Life is too short, and you need to focus on what you are undertaking.

Carl

[J-L]

I’m sure that’s something that has happened to all of us to one degree or another. While I was having my neighbor weld on a JD#4 mower, my cousin (who is a fairly big operator compared to me) made quite a little fun of me cutting hay with it. I just told him not to worry about it because he didn’t have to use it and drove off with my team.
There have been quite a few times when people have seen me hauling hay from my top place and asked why I wasn’t using a truck and trailer or was my tractor broke, etc. Some times I just ask my rancher neighbors what else they have to do besides sit on their fat asses and watch soap operas when they’re done feeding cows in two hours vs. the four or five it takes me.
On the other hand it continually surprises me how many people wish they could use their teams more (or any at all) and give me some praise for doing it this way. Mostly they lack experience or a little fortitude (when it’s -40f out).
Realistically most of us do more work just harness/unharnessing than the tractor driving crowd does in a day.
Might be best to just let it slide Denise. If you are like the rest of us on this board, working animals is a huge part of why you do what you do. Just keep at it.

[Robert MoonShadow]

Or you could just sneak your horse over to poop on her lawn. 😉

[dlskidmore]

@J-L 28601 wrote:

If you are like the rest of us on this board, working animals is a huge part of why you do what you do.

A character in a book I read once said “Never do anything for only one reason.” Although impractical to apply to everything in life, I try to consider this in my major decisions.

• I want to be self employed in a kid-friendly environment, and raise my own kids while still contributing to family finances.
• I have my mother’s genetics, and if I don’t quit the desk job and do more manual labor, my job will eventually kill me. (Her heart disease was treatable, but because of the heart disease the surgeon wouldn’t remove her tumor, and the side effects of the chemo alongside the tumor rendered inoperable by radiation is killing her.)
• I want to do something I love doing. (Gardening, animal training.)
• I want to eat healthier.
• I want to can/freeze more of my own food.
• In my farming research I read an interesting article about the overhead of equipment caused horse farmers to make more dollars per acre than tractor farmers, and generally with better hours since the horses needed a midday rest. (Although they tend to work fewer acres and have less total profit, I see the lower risk as a major factor.)

I’m still in the planning phase, we’ve just finished unloading a couple major debts so we can save our farm down payment faster. I am still a bit nervous myself about how successful I’ll be, so I can’t project any confidence on that front, but I know deep inside me that I have to give it a try.

I’m not even sure how much I will rely on animal power. The first few years I’m going to try to do everything with a walking tractor. I’ve promised myself I’m eating the first set of males I raise, to make sure I don’t turn them into pets. There are certainly though tasks that a handy steer would be useful for (dragging pasture, hauling stuff, confusing the customers.)

[Riverbound]

As a green teamster and recent moderately successful fulltime small acreage vegetable farmer, in a land I’m a stranger in, but married into, this thread is near to my heart. Naysaying is right up there with hail, frost and broken equipment as far as obstacles to choosing the road less travelled. It’s validating just to know we’re not alone. My latest strategy in dealing with the inevitable incredulity is to avoid discussion of economics, practicality, sustainability, etc. and focus on enjoyability. I like what I’m doing. I want to do it because it pleases me. Can’t argue with that. Then they can witness genuine success: choosing one’s path and sticking to it.

[dlskidmore]

@Riverbound 28610 wrote:

My latest strategy in dealing with the inevitable incredulity is to avoid discussion of economics, practicality, sustainability, etc. and focus on enjoyability.

So far I’m only economically commiting to the “hobby farm” level. I often use the “hobby farm” or “gentlewoman farmer” terminology with coworkers. Most of them assume I’m a dreamer and don’t think I’ll really ever quit the job to become a full time farmers. I think we can get to the point though where enough of the college debt has been paid, and enough farm groundwork laid, to go full time. I guess that leaves me time to raise a couple handy steers. 🙂 (Although I’ve promised myself that I’ll eat my first steer. I don’t want to fool myself about a calf’s potential because he’s cute and I raised him. The chickens too, the first year I keep chickens I won’t keep egg layers over winter. If I can’t hack that, then I don’t belong in animal farming. The sheep though are pretty darn useful to me alive, going to breed for the handspinning market, maybe get into art felt and yurt cover production.)

[near horse]

Hi Denise,
I always think of the quote “there’s something about the outside of a horse that’s good for the inside of a man (or woman)”. If draft animal power is your passion and what makes you look forward to each new day, that is enough. Be pleased that you have found your passion – too many go through life without one and may even envy those who have found their own. Lane makes a good point about language and your passion/exuberance for the hinge you love may be interpreted as demeaning to the listener.

[Author]

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