A little humor

the sport is out in the woods with the old indian guide looking for deer sign, when a wedge of geese flew over heading south honkin away. the guide said “when you see the geese coming out of canada in the fall, you’ll notice one side of the v is always longer”. so the sport asked “why is that?” and the old indian scratched his chin, looked up into the sky and said “there ‘s more geese on that side”.

Matthew
Now THAT’S funny. My family in Maine has enjoyed stories of that type for years – especially my Uncle John(RIP)
oxnun

this old fella sittin’ by side the road hears this noise. and he looks down the road to see this ball a’ dust comin’. by and by comes this man draggin’ a chain. the old fella says “how come yer draggin’ that chain down the road?”. the man says ” i tried pushin’ it but it didn’t work.”

Carl, That last one sounded like it came straight out of the book “Listen While I Think…., I am a Vermonter,” pure Yankeese.

Dear Friends,

My wife Sandy is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to “hey y’all, hold my beer and watch this!” Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my “fancy” is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for Sandy. The occasion was our 9th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re missing out – Way To Cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don’t need no stinkin’ directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeee!!! I am easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Sandy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog Skeeter looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Skeeter) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Skeeter for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses purched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I’m looking at this little device (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no friggin’ way!” Friggin’ way – trust me, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. Those of you who know me will have a pretty good idea what followed. I’m sitting there alone. Skeeter looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it buddy,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?)
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY*****************!!!
I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the floor over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking on my side in the fetal position, skin on fire, glasses nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Skeeter was standing over me making huffing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself,
“Do it again, do it again!”

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent trashing about on the floor.)

If you are lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs 1/4″ deep in your thigh like yours truly. I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. (How did they get there?) Every muscle in my body was twitching, my face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs, give or take an ounce or two.

I drug my quivering body to my recliner, managed to turn it upright and crawled in. Spent the rest of the afternoon regaining my scences.

@Dave G 15257 wrote:

Dear Friends,

I must admit I thought about zapping Skeeter for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet puppy, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Sandy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time…

Dave, Dave,…Dave. Thanks for the technical training. You have one lucky woman there. Certainly IMO you weren’t wrong, but to finish implementing your test, you shoulda invited over your second best friend for a bunch o’ beers and steaks.

Hilarious.