A little humor

[Carl Russell]

dominiquer60;15239 wrote:

Carl, That last one sounded like it came straight out of the book “Listen While I Think…., I am a Vermonter,” pure Yankeese.

Well I’ll admit that as a youth I loved to listen to “Burt’n I” records of Down East Humor. That was one of my favorites.

The amazing thing is that the story is true. I had waited patiently for years, knowing that when you live in the country you are often stopped and asked for directions, I just had this one locked and loaded, and when the poor guy laid it out there, I pulled the trigger.

The funniest part was that I think they didn’t really understand. They kind of looked at me like they didn’t want to believe anything I would tell them after that… even though I cracked a wide grin…

Carl

[Matthew]

Carl

I used to work for a company removing trees. We would have a tree half down brush all over the place a guy up in the bucket and some one would stop and ask ( What are you doing taking that tree down?) A guy I worked with wouldn’t miss a beat and would say (No someone else took this tree down about a week ago we are trying to put it back together.) I worked with anouther guy that was always cracking us up wth his fast come backs we were working on a transmission highline (powerline) and this guy had to answer the call of nature so he grabbed the toilet paper and headed into the woods. With his pants around his ankles he hears this voice DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT RIGHT THERE. Aparently thair was a bow hunter up in a tree stand fully camouflaged that he did not see, with out missing a beat he said I DO NOW. The same guy was in a convenience store buying his favorite candy bar a charlston chew,( this guy was a big guy and didn’t need any candy) when a customer in the store said HEY BUDDY DO YOU THINK YOU REALY NEED THAT CANDY BAR? This guy I worked with said( my grandfather lived to be 99.) The customer said by eating charlson chews? No replyed the guy I worked with BY MINDING HIS OWN FU***** BUISNESS!

[near horse]

Erarly in his marriage, one of my friends and his wife liked to go camping and they often went with his in-laws. Well, it seems that they were at “primitive campground” on Labor Day weekend one year and, being that it was the last getaway for the year the campground was pretty full – even though it had no running water and just an outhouse for doing one’s business (hence the “primitive” label).

Anyway, it seems that the outhouse was placed up a short trail from the camping area and visible to all the campsites below. Well, I guess my friend’s father-in-law went to use the outhouse one night before hitting the sack and, his wife went along since she didn’t want to head up there in the middle of the night byherself. He’s in the outhouse for a few minutes when my friend (and all of the campground) hears this holler from up on the hill by the latrine –

“Honey, get it out! Take it out, now! Hurry!” – my friend recognizes the voice as that of the father-in-law.

“I’m trying. I’m trying. Stop moving so I can get ahold of it!” comes the response from his wife.

“It’s feels hairy and pretty big. Just grab it!” is his response in a high pitched voice.

“Why don’t you just take your pants all the way off. That would make this a lot easier. And you’re making this more difficult by wiggling around.”

When my friend Don and his wife look toward the outhouse (like the rest of the campground did as well), they see the silhouettes of 2 people up by the outhouse, lit up by a flashlight beam. One of them, his father-in-law, has his pants around his ankles while the other one, his mother-in-law, is kneeling in front of him and working frantically to get his pants off

Don’s thinking – “what kind of crazy exhibitionist family did I marry into?!” as he and everyone else watch his father-in-law dancing around by the outhouse.

His mother-in-law finally manages to yank off pop’s pants and throw them off to the side. So then she’s shining the flashlight on his now exposed lower half.

“Turn around. Turn around.” she tells him and so he’s up there turning half naked pirouettes under the flashlight beam, like a not-glamorous runway model, for all to see.

Finally they realize that what they’ve been doing is essentially being broadcast to the campsites below. So they start to speak more quietly and less frantic but since they’re up on a rise, their voices are still clearly audible down below.

“Are we done?”

“Yes. I feel better. I’ll get dressed.”

“Do you think anyone saw us?”

“I hope not. It would be pretty embarrassing if anyone saw us doing that!”

Come to find out, Don’s in-laws, although they did put on quite a show for folks, were not some crazy exhibitionists. His father-in-law had gotten some type of creepy crawly bug in his pants while using the latrine and didn’t notice until he was coming out of the outhouse. He’s deathly afraid of spiders and he was sure it was a spider in his pants so vanity clearly wasn’t on his mind. Just get the critter out.

Sometimes life can be pretty funny!

[Matthew]

My father was camping in a campground probably late 60’s early70’s with a few friends thare was a young newlywed couple on thair honeymoon. They were defanatly new to camping to (Probably from New Jersey) well I guess they were doing what newlyweds do but it was after dark and they had a light on in the tent, and we all know what happens when you leave a light on in a tent at night. When the lovers were done they got a round of applause from the outher campers. The next morning when everyone awoke the newlyweds were gone they left early before anyone in the campground got up.

[Robernson]

Great stories everybody………..

[Gabe Ayers]

This was sent to me by a Blonde, so I feel politically correct in sharing it or you can just imagine this happened in Virginia last week….

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug
as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[vthorselogger]

I heard this one a while ago.
These 2 brothers from maine who had been logging all their lives decided to sell everything and move to new york city. So they arrived in the city and went to a job agency to get jobs. They fill out the paperwork and the first brother goes in, he comes out a short time later and tells his brother he got a job. The 2nd brother goes in, the lady asks if he has any other skills than cutting trees? He says to the lady, thats what I have done all my life, you found my brother a job, why can’t you find me a job? The lady says well your brother said he was a pilot. The guy says for cryin out loud, he can’t pile it if I don’t cut it!!!!:D

[mitchmaine]

those same two brothers from maine heard they were buying hay in the city, so the bought 100 bales at a buck a peice, loaded up and headed for town. once they got there, they sold all their hay for a buck a bale and headed home. the brother riding shotgun started counting up the money and said “i don’t think we made much money”, and his brother said “yeah, we gotta get a bigger truck!”

[jac]

Wee Jock from the Highlands of Scotland was in the finals of a major television quiz show… The presenter asked …” What does acoustic mean”??
Jock thought for a while and replied…. ” Its something for prodding cattle with”….

[mitchmaine]

The game warden pulls this guy over in his truck, and walked up and looked inside. There on the seat was a dead owl. The game warden said “what’s that?” and the man said “it’s an owl.” The warden said “I know it’s an owl, how did you get it?” so the man said “I shot it”. “you shot it. You can’t shoot an owl, they are protected.” And proceeded to scold the man. Finally, the warden said “I’m going to have to write you up, why did you shoot him anyway?” the guy replied “I got seven kids and one on the way, and I’m out o’ work and need some food for their supper.” So the warden started to soften up a little and said “well, I guess I could just give you a warning this time, they can’t be very good to eat.” So the man says “oh no, they’re not that bad, they taste just like bald eagle.”

[Matthew]

This one’s for you mitch. 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyZXnpO8Jew

[Carl Russell]

Matthew;18766 wrote:

This one’s for you mitch. 🙂

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyZXnpO8Jew

That is way too much. Fickin’ Awesome.

Carl

[mitchmaine]

good one , matt. i know that place. wicked thanks, mitch

[nwilliams]

A little boy in shed was playing with the beautiful kittens. He went to his mother and said that there are one female kittens and two male kittens, they are very beautiful. The mother asked him that how did he came to know that they are tow males and one female kittens then the boy replied, I checked at the bottom of the kittens.

[mitchmaine]

We were talking about maine accents the other night. Not that I ever paid much attention, but I started listening to people talk, and they seem to fall into groups. The old folk have what you might call an accent. all the kids and people with real jobs keep trying to sound like the people on television. Fisherman speak a foreign language that nobody understands. Loggers have their own lingo. And then there is the farmers. We all understand what they are saying no matter how they say it. Then there was my dad.
My dad had a funny way of saying hayrake. When he’d say rake it sounded like he was saying wreck. I heard him say it a thousand times but it always sounded queer to me. I got to thinking all our machinery might not be as good as somebody elses. He’d say “hook up the wreck…” ????? “and go wreck that hay.” What does that mean? What do people sound like that come from where you do? Do they sound funny to you?
This guy walks into a bus station and asks the stationmaster for a round trip ticket. The stationmaster say “where to ?” and the guy says “back here.”

[Author]

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